我男朋友41岁，我36岁。他要我承担他房贷的75%才能和他住一起，这合理吗？

Hello! Landlord and girlfriend here.

Last year my boyfriend lived in my house. He paid me rent which went to my mortgage. This year we moved to his house. Now I pay him rent for his mortgage. So I’ve been on both sides of this scenario. Few points:


Say that someone buys a $500k house but their mortgage is only $400/mo. It’s a steal. It’s so cheap. The reason why the mortgage is so cheap is because the owner put a TON OF MONEY DOWN UPFRONT. Now say that the house has 3 bedrooms and the owner rents out 2 of them. Should the owner only charge $133/mo per room because that’s what his mortgage is? Obviously not. The cheap mortgage didn’t come out magically out of thin air. The cheap mortgage came from someone forgoing an enormous amount of money and putting it as a down payment.
A house is incredibly expensive to upkeep- yes there is taxes and insurance and repairs and maintenance. In general I heard you should estimate about 1-2% of the total cost of the house in annual maintenance. So for a $500k house expect to pay $5,000-$10,000 in yearly maintenance. I own 9 rentals right now and I’d say this figure is accurate. It is VERY expensive to maintain a home.
If you live in a big house you ARE getting the benefits of living somewhere better. So say that maybe you could rent your own 1-bedroom apt for $1,600/mo. Instead you move into a big 4-bedroom home and your part is $1,800/mo. Yes you are paying more but are you living better? That’d be what I’d focus on.
Was the house already furnished? Because if it’s a 3 or 4 bedroom house those beds didn’t just appear. Neither did that dining table for 8 people. Nor that new microwave. All those things cost thousands of dollars. I’d think about ALL those things you’re getting in exchange of living in his home and consider again whether or not you really are been taken advantage of (I’m not saying yes/no I’m giving you another perspective to consider)


For your particular scenario I think “fairness” comes down to what you make, what he makes, cost of living in your area, what you’d be paying otherwise, etc.

Ok so as someone who has 5+ years mortgage experience, imo your BF is right.

1) It is not right for you to want to live rent free, quote below.


If I'm being honest, I was a little irked that he even wanted to charge me rent at all, especially market rate. But, the rate was 30% lower than I was paying at my last apartment, and I was embarrassed that I thought I deserved to live rent-free, so I agreed to it.


2) He is charging you half of market rate, which I think is fair given you two live together and it isn't just your place younare renting, quote again below.


The rent rate we decided on (his idea) was to look up on Zillow what rent would be if he rented his house out, and I would pay half of that.


3) He is in charge for literally all the costs to repair anything, pay the taxes, and the insurance. You taking on additional household chores is a part of living there, would you not be needing to do this if you lived somewhere else?

4) You are paying to rent, you have none of the risk for if anything goes wrong (see #3), you are not effected if the mortgage isn't paid on time, because you aren't on it, you do not deserve any equity in his house, and saying otherwise just sounds makes you sound entitled.

5) You say you can rent another place nearby for slightly more (given you are paying half the market rate, I personally doubt that you can get a location with the same square footage, bed, baths, etc. for just a little more, if you could, you aren't paying half of what was listed or you are talking about taking on another roommate). If this is true, that you could rent a similar location for just a little mkre without an additional roommate, you can argue to re-evaluate the rent based on current market price, quote below


I made the argument that I don't receive any of the benefits of owning the home (like equity) and could've rented an apartment nearby for only slightly more.


6) About the only thing you are entitled to is a renters agreement for both yours and his protection if you don't already have one.

A ton of people are likely gonna flame me, but this is the truth, you aren't married, you have no ownership in the house, you are a tenant living in his home. Imo you sound super entitled, and I know I saw at least 1 comment you should move out and find a better bf, and tbh if you are seriously this entitled to his property just because of your presence and how much you value yourself, you would be doing him a favor by leaving.

As a homeowner and as someone that has rented his place to friends, I can definitely say that you’re in the wrong OP. Your partner is right in amount it costs to fully pay for a house is more than what you are seeing and paying, along with the fact that you’re paying much less in rent while living with him. He is also right in asking you to keep the place clean, as it is his property and he doesn’t want to deal with a mess with someone he is sharing his living space with. Just to be clear this is his house that you’re living in, and you shouldn’t be upset what he’s doing with your rent money as long as you also benefit from this as well.

The reason you’re upset is because you’re starting to feel entitled to him, his property, and his money. You’re resenting the fact that he’s not taking care of you and letting you stay there for cheaper or free when he’s already saving you money, and you’re feeling this way because you don’t like the idea of contributing equally to someone you feel you’re entitled to be taken care of by. I am sure that you would be really happy with this setup if you were not in a relationship with him, and I’m more than sure that this new attitude you have towards him is because you’re in the process of checking out of the relationship while thinking that you’re better than he is.

By all means, find a new place if you’re uncomfortable with this setup and be independent, but I doubt you’d find a better deal where you live. Also, if you’re not happy with him then leave him, I’m sure there are a lot of other women that would be happy with the deal he’s giving you along with understanding that he is a catch that has assets while living a comfortable life. Your opinion on not feeling comfortable with him is valid, but it’s misguided by feeling he should be comfortable with providing freely for you. Even as a married couple sharing the costs of living is common, but sharing an asset that an individual owns through their own hard work is not common that they gained before marriage. If you were not living there I’m sure he would be doing the same thing with someone he’s not in a relationship with, because it’s the smart thing to do as an individual who has an asset they’re still paying off. He’s being smart with his investments and fair in how he is handling renting to you, it’s a fair deal and the only thing that makes this different for you is the fact that you’re in a relationship together. Honestly, I think he deserves better, I think you’re dating up and you don’t even know it, and he is going to be dodging a bullet when you leave him for this.

Let’s take it back to basics

- your partner wants a woman who will split 50:50, but has missed the point on what 50:50 is. In the rentals you looked at on Zillow, market rent takes into account profit for the landlord - they work out how much it costs to own and maintain the house (taking into account repairs costs are higher in rentals than owner occupied, as tenants take less good care of the place in general), then add a few percent profit for themselves. Charging you 50% of market rent isn’t fair - your partner shouldn’t be profiting off you. You’re not stupid, you know this, and your partner not seeing that he’s doing this, or seeing and not caring (I don’t know which) makes you feel icky

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-you feel you’re entitled to a financially responsible man who has plenty of assets and will take care of you, and pay your share for you in life (you split utilities evenly for now, but give it a couple of years of having your rent paid for you, you’ll start to feel like you shouldn’t have to). Your partner isn’t stupid, he sees this, and it makes him feel icky

- The guy is 41, and has gotten himself into a pretty good position financially (the fact that half market rent covers 75% of the mortgage shows he’s nearly there on paying it off - he’s either worked hard to pay it for a long time now, or he put down a very large deposit). It doesn’t sound like he’s an NBA player/tech bro pulling in millions a year from your post, so likely he got there by being financially responsible, and guys like this don’t like feeling like their partner wants them to pay for everything

My opinion, until you speak to each other in a way that the other relates to, it’s going to be really hard to get anywhere on this. You want him to see that you feel he’s exploiting you, and he’s going to respond better to you focussing on the practical side of this initially. This will hopefully then open the door to talking about how it made/makes you feel when you had a discussion that was more like a business meeting than a discussion between 2 caring partners

He wants to feel like you want to pay your own way and not freeload off him. An attitude adjustment would go a long way here. At 36, you have an enormous amount to bring to an equal and loving relationship and are capable maintaining a relationship with an emotionally mature man who has his shit together. The immature 40s guys who want to take care of a woman are out there dating submissive nubile 21 year olds, not you. That’s a good thing for you. My opinion would be that emphasising to him that your primary interest in this is to make sure you’re both being treated fairly. Until he knows this, you’re always going to be in a position where you’re both digging your heels in. You’re living in a house instead of an apartment now - you’ve had a significant lifestyle upgrade (assuming an average apartment, I know some apartments in California are absolutely beautiful - ignore this last point if so). If it turns out you can’t afford to pay what’s fair in this situation, try to find a solution. You doing the bulk of the chores is significant and A probably solution here. If you’re not happy with that as a solution, which would be reasonable, suggest moving to a cheaper place and splitting the chores 50:50. He won’t take you up on it, but he’ll appreciate the gesture