首页 / 法律问答 / 我有点不舒服,我未婚妻要和她老板单独出去吃饭,我这样做是不是太小题大做了?

我有点不舒服,我未婚妻要和她老板单独出去吃饭,我这样做是不是太小题大做了?

商业律师 5 回答
我现在真的快要跟我未婚妻分手了,这件事让我太沮丧了。我想问问大家,是不是我太混蛋、太不讲理了,还是问题出在她那边? 我和未婚妻在一起好几年了。她最近毕业,找到了一份很棒的人力资源工作,在一家挺有名气的律师事务所,专门帮人摆平酒驾指控的那种。那个开律师事务所的家伙,大家都说他是追逐事故的、骗人的讼棍,因为他广告里就这么演的。我见过他几次,本人稍微好一点,但还是让我觉得需要洗个澡。 新年刚过,我老婆回家跟我说,律师老板要带全体员工出去庆祝,因为今年是事务所业绩最好的一年,时间定在1月20号。时间线大概是这样的: * 1月5号,她跟我说1月20号留出来,因为可以带家属。行,没问题。 * 1月8号,她说搞错了,只是工作聚餐,我可以自己安排。没问题。 * 1月13号,她不小心说漏嘴,其实不是整个办公室都去,只是老板觉得对公司成功有功劳的人才能去。我开始觉得有点不对劲了。 * 1月14号,奇迹发生了,所有去跟老板吃饭的人,都是30岁以下的女性。这下警钟大作了。 * 1月18号,名单上只剩两个人了,我老婆和另一个新来的律师。所以,如果我没理解错的话,这家有20年历史的公司,今年“业绩最好”的两个主要功臣,都是刚毕业的大学生,都是女的,而且都25岁左右?我未婚妻还说“你难道不为我感到骄傲吗!” * 今天,也就是20号,老板早上11点给她发短信,说“既然是庆祝,就别开车了!我给你叫个专车!”我未婚妻还是没觉得有什么不对劲,我就让她问问老板,如果她说“不用了,我未婚夫知道那家餐厅,他可以送我”,老板会怎么说。结果老板秒回“抱歉,我临时换了餐厅,还是给你叫车吧!” 我未婚妻看着我,好像完全没听到我脑子里的警报声,她说“你看,没事吧,我坐专车去就行了。” 我真的要疯了。我跟她说,你不能去。她说我控制欲太强。我说这件事从头到尾都太可疑了,然后把时间线给她复述了一遍,用的都是我们之间的短信和邮件。她说我这样“收集证据”就是我“控制欲强”的表现,她现在更想去参加这个晚餐了。我说,我可能是个混蛋,但我不是傻子。 她一遍又一遍地说“他都结婚了,他不可能做任何会影响他婚姻的事,所以是你太蠢了!”我觉得她自己心里也明白是怎么回事。 她把自己锁在卧室里,已经至少一个小时没出来了。 我不知道该怎么办。我不能砸门或者冲她大吼大叫。如果这件事反过来,她肯定早就炸了,看到她的反应,我肯定会直接分手。 所以,我这样是混蛋吗? **更新:**现在是下午5点半,专车5点15分把她接走了。我只能听天由命了,看看我到底是控制狂,还是她没看清即将发生的事情。 **再次更新:**她刚到家,只说了一句“我不想他妈的谈这件事”,然后就去和应该是她姐姐的人说话了。我努力克制自己偷听的欲望,所以不知道发生了什么。现在才8点45分,应该没发生什么太离谱的事。我只是庆幸她平安回家了。如果合适的话,等我知道更多情况再来更新。 **三次更新:**这件事已经和“我是不是混蛋”无关了,只是大家想知道后续……她到了餐厅,发现只有她、同事和老板在一个酒店的私人餐厅里。老板直接说,他正在和另一个女人搞,想让她也加入。他和老婆有“默契”,而且说能帮她飞黄腾达。她很生气自己没看出来,但还是因为我控制她而生我的气。她现在很不高兴,说要分手。总之情况很糟糕,但我很庆幸她没事。我打算先给她一些空间。
回答次数 (5)
T
TechnoMage
# 5
I read your update.
NTA
You called the entire thing. You were right.
You were worried he was luring her and another girl to a fake celebration with the intent of pushing himself on them and probably getting them drunk. You tried to save her from a shady situation that could have been dangerous.
She should have come home crying and apologizing. She was wrong.
Instead, she still calls you controlling.
It would be one thing if you were dropping her off. He was sending a car. Easy to get her drunk and back to his place.
Look at it this way. You're on vacation. You want to go for a walk outside the hotel at 2 am, and your partner knows the area, says the area is dangerous, and he tells you you can't go. There are rapes, muggings, car jackings. Is that controlling or protecting someone using common sense?
Unless she's just ashamed that she was wrong and taking it out on you, this makes no sense. Even if that's the case, she's clearly the asshole.
Let her end it. You deserve someone who understands the difference between controlling and legitimate concern. She was clueless. Had he gotten them drunk or slipped something in their drinks, she was at his mercy to get her home. She very well could have been raped. It's not controlling to try and save your girlfriend from potential rape.
L
Lewis2
# 4
YTA

I knew the bandwagon for Reddit would be "NTA" bc: the majority of Redditors are men and also they tend to lean towards "some actions are justifiable bc you were just trying to protect...".

This is bullshit (disclosure: I'm a married woman).

Suffice it to say: you don't get the right to tell another grown adult what they can and can't do and worse, you've insulted your fiancée's integrity and you're too dense to realize it.

Do you know how your message reads?

"You're only being invited to dinner bc your boss wants to fuck you and you're kidding yourself if you think the work you've put into your career matters or has anything to do with it."

You basically called her a moron whose only value to her boss is "obviously" getting fucked by him.

That is a shitty, utterly demeaning thing to say to her and it's no wonder she's pissed.

And you know what's worse? Even if things are a little sketchy, you've made it so shitty that she'll hesitate to tell you if anything seems off. (Good job!)

You suck and you are controlling and if you can't trust that she'll be able to handle herself then please get some counseling to sort it out before marrying (if she doesn't leave you first).

Edit: frankly, given how seamlessly this story played out I'm finding it difficult to believe it actually happened at all but--in the off-chance it is--my point still stands: you do not get a right to "forbid" other adults from doing things simply bc you don't like it.
C
Charles
# 3
NTA

I've read the whole thing including the updates.

Men have an awareness of when another man is sniffing around his partner, where women tend to be, frankly, quite stupid where this is concerned.

It smelled a mile off like something dodgy was going on and upon advising your partner not to follow through she fell back on women's usual deflecting tactic when they don't get to do whatever they want at all times without consequences, she called you controlling

Yawn

This woman is not on your team and you should seriously reconsider marrying her. At the very least if she stays at this firm she does not have her head in the game regards this marriage.

Tell her quite bluntly that the wedding is off and the relationship is over if she does not


Quit her job immediately.
Get the fucking chip off her shoulder. You were right and she was wrong and you did exactly what a partner should have done in this situation.
Leading onto the final requirement, she needs to drop the word "controlling" from her dictionary, and since she clearly lacks the situational awareness to know when a man is trying to fuck her (giving her the benefit of the doubt here) she needs to defer to your judgement when it comes to other men's intentions.


It's very clear she's not going to get ahead in this company without fucking the guy. That's what he's after and there are plenty of other women who'll oblige, and she'll either refuse and be overlooked or she'll fuck him to get ahead.

If my partner so much as flirted with her boss to get ahead I would show her the door. There is no way your fiancé is going to have any kind of opportunity there while drawing appropriate boundaries.
F
FireWind2
# 2
I wanted to chime in and say NTA. A majority of the people here are taking you saying she can't go as being controlling, but imo, it's not. Saying "can't" is much more different "won't". If you had said you wouldn't let her go, then you would be an asshole. If you had physically barred her from going through the door, you would be an asshole. If you had followed her to the restuarant, then possibly confronted her boss when it turned out you were right, you would be an asshole. But you didn't do any of that, other than expressing your opinion through the word "can't".

Even more so, people are expecting absolute perfection during moments of high tensions. That's a common trend with this subreddit, as if everyone has perfect composure during an argument. Granted, "can't" wasn't the best word to use, depending on your relationship, bit it definitely isn't in any way controlling.

I would say your fiance is TA in this situation, especially with her behaviour afterwards. I get that she's angry that she didn't analyze the situation correctly, but she had no right to take it out on you and incorrectly call you controlling. I think you need to both sit down and talk things out and that you personally need to evaluate your relationship. Not saying break off the engagement or end things, but this behaviour is a bit intense for a supposed grown woman.

I just think it's a bit weird, honestly, that she's in HR and didn't recognize these signs. How is she supposed to be a valuable member if she couldn't even see for herself that the situation was weird. She seems to be completely in denial and needs to report her boss or even find another job, because this situation is going to blow up, either with the second girl or the boss.
D
DarknessRises
# 1
NTA hope you see this OP

There’s a lot of info missing on the relationship. Is this either of your first relationships? Have you had experience with this before? This makes a difference because if this is all you know, you wouldn’t be able to compare it with anything else. I only ask because you guys seem younger.

I don’t want to tell you what to do or push my opinions on you, but instead I’ll ask you a few questions you could answer on your own because you know her more than any of us.

As you pointed out if the roles were reversed, would she act the same way?

People are saying you need to trust her, but isn’t trust based on intelligent decision making? How can you trust someone who can’t even discern the difference between a company wide +1 party that turns into a 3 person party (1 straight male, 2 young females)?

On the flip side, if you can’t trust her, you need to ask yourself what’s the reason for this?

Why would she contemplate breaking up after the fact? What reason could she have for that? So every time something like this doesn’t go her way, breaking up is the first answer? Someone’s thought process when they are angry is very indicative of the type of person they are. One thing to think about something but can they control what they say?

If this were to happen again would the results really change?

If trust and communication aren’t there it’s gonna be hard. This situation proves it. Don’t listen to these other people. It’s easy for others to tell you what to do or shouldn’t do (These are the same people saying you can’t tell your fiancé what to do.......... , hypocritical isn’t it?) It’s your decision and life. This is more than an AITA post. This is your life and your future. You’ll need to think deeply about this and hopefully talk it out with her before any decisions are made. If you guys can be open and honest about the situation that would be the best way to talk about this.

Good luck.
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